I recently left my job. I’ll admit I’m ashamed to say that but I think it will make sense if I get that off my chest, now. Because the path of my life is getting clearer and clearer, only I could hope. God’s Hand is here. That is all I will say.
A wonderful opportunity to start an education career was given to me. From substitute teaching to having a class of my own—prekindergarten. I accepted it. And thanked God for answering my prayer for a stable income with a set schedule.
Funny, how we get answers to prayers only to realize we might’ve been asking for the wrong thing. OR, too many things. Because I was praying some pretty contrary prayers like more time with my toddler daughter, a way to start an entrepreneurial career, a relationship leading to marriage and health issues to be healed.
God was letting it all pour down on me, what a Good Father to hear me and answer every single one of my requests. Opportunities. Responsibilities. Decisions. Discipline.
Only now, I was overwhelmed and tense and trying to do everything and be everything because well, I wanted to do everything and be everything.
Only problem, as time went on, was that my body felt worse. My issues were seeming to go away only to make room for new ones. Poor health carried over into my emotions which carried over into my effectiveness which carried over into other people. Starting with my daughter. If anyone got the short end of the stick, it was her. I was quickly running dry. And trying to put up the front that I was highly capable.
After working with children each day, trying to arrange my small business network and startup, keeping up with a long-distance beau, I was doing a poor job at mothering and self-care. My patience was low, my energy was low, my capabilities were low. Because I had so much faith in myself that I’d ask God to give me it all.
Maybe He wasn’t actually giving me all the things, either. I started picking up new unnecessary favors and tasks probably as a way to regain some type of control. He was giving me choices and areas to grow in: like learning to say “NO, I can’t.” Even expressing that feels weird against the “YES, I can,” cultural mantra.
It’s so obvious that it wasn’t me who was supposed to set everything in perfect order, it wasn’t me who was supposed to take care of things beyond my scope of responsibility (ahem, child, focus on your child!), it wasn’t me who was supposed to make everyone’s lives better starting with a class of really precious kids.
It’s easy to assume a savior complex because we don’t even know we’re doing it! I didn’t know. I just thought I was being a “good person.” Good people fall apart because good people need saving, too.
Three short months, I went thinking I could be in charge of this thing called life. Each day felt like a miniature eternity. I was crying every morning, crying every evening. Losing patience with my kid. Falling asleep anywhere, anytime. My sympathetic symptoms getting worse.
Until one morning where I was like a teenager again, folding over to extreme anxiety pangs (right in the gut). I wasn’t sleeping well, I wasn’t physically active enough, my personal relationships weren’t healthy and it was becoming a high price for a career that is noble but not fit for me in this season.
Even I tried to convince myself that I could solve all the problems and still keep working. I love how you never stop learning of new ways you need to be saved by God. This event felt like salvation, again.
I left my job and there was peace. (Even though, I tried to take it back at the last minute. Laughing at myself, here.) My relationship with God is shifting, it’s no longer about God giving me all the ways to provide for myself and child but me trusting in Him to provide for us, period.
My relationship with my daughter has improved in a week. We spend time outdoors every day. More giggles and kisses. Our living quarters are clean for the first time in 3 months. My business is making sales. Yes, it’s up and running, wow! And freelance work is on the horizon. God is so Good.
God provides, I didn’t believe that as much as I thought I did. Now, I have only to rely on Him, at least in this department until I discover the next area. It’s a lot more peaceful this way, though, there’s a stillness involved.
“Be still and know that I am God.”
If you got this far, just know this is a total diary entry. I’m confessing. I’m figuring out what God might actually be doing in my life. There’s no lesson I want to give you. No preaching. Just a human being a human, learning that God is God and she is not!
With love, Mama X